By Congressman Charlie Crist – Public Domain & Unsplash
Tom Brady — ever heard of him? The multi-time Super Bowl winner, NFL MVP, and pretty much the most decorated NFL athlete of all time retired from on-field play before last season. But he’s been keeping himself pretty dang busy in retirement with a broadcasting gig, becoming part-owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, and of course, being a dad to his three kids.
Tom Brady recently spoke at a Fortune Global Forum event about his leadership style and how business executives could learn from his self-made success. His thoughts on leading as a father were much more interesting. And in his opinion? Some parents are too quick to coddle these days.
“Think of today’s world, how we screw these kids up,” Tom said. “Every time they mess up, we send them to an easier place to succeed.”
What he means is that we might steer them away from goals that are too lofty or likely to lead to disappointment. He thinks parents are too quick to discourage their kids from ‘reaching for the stars’ in order to save them from heartbreak, especially when they’re uber-talented.
His parents sure didn’t, and look how it worked out for him!
“The blessing my parents gave me was when I was that long shot as a kid who was a backup quarterback on a freshman team? They never said, ‘Man, don’t do that. It’s gonna be too hard. Let’s do something different. Let’s think about another backup plan.’ They kind of said, ‘You know what? Go for it. Whatever you want to be, go for it.’ And that’s probably my parenting style,” he said.
What do experts think? Is Tom Brady right? Are parents today too “soft”?
“I think some are and it’s not a bad thing,” says Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, a licensed psychologist.
It’s a matter of more and more parents shifting their priorities, she says.
“Parents today are more likely to prioritize emotional intelligence, mental health, and individuality in their kids, which can be mistaken for ‘softness.'”
Photo by Cian Leach on Unsplash
We’re all so much more aware of mental health concerns than we were a few decades ago. Efforts to protect longterm mental well-being in kids can sometimes be perceived as coddling.
But let’s be real: Not every kid will grow up to be the Tom Brady of their field. Pushing hard to achieve your dreams is a good thing, but it’s easy to push too far and sacrifice your mental and physical health. And there aren’t always seven Super Bowl rings and hundreds of millions of dollars waiting for you on the other end.
Kids today also face more pressure than ever to achieve, in part due to social media. But they’re also being pressured to specialize at ridiculously early ages (in sports, academics, etc.) or risk “falling behind” despite research showing there’s no need to do so.
Times have changed since Tom Brady was the backup QB at Michigan! It’s OK for parents to be mindful of that balancing act and of modern concerns young people face.
Of course, there is some truth to Tom Brady’s criticism. Protecting your kids from failure and heartbreak isn’t doing them any favors, instead it robs them of a chance to learn accountability, independence, and resilience.
“There’s a fine line between encouragement and pressure. Make sure your child knows that their worth isn’t tied to their achievements,” Edwards-Hawver says.
I don’t know about the business advice, but Tom did close with some good words of encouragement for all the parents out there.
“The parents in the room know that being a parent is probably the hardest job all of us have and we screw up a lot and I’ve screwed up a lot as a parent,” he said. “So I don’t want to seem like I’m some expert in parenting because I’m certainly not that.”
“I try to just be dependable and consistent for them and honestly, whatever our kids choose as we know to do whatever they want to do in life, we gotta support.”
He added that one of his sons wants to play pro basketball, but Tom didn’t know if he’d ever develop the vertical leap to do it. Regardless, he always ensures his son that it’ll happen one day if he keeps working — even though he can’t really promise that for sure.
“I want him to know that his dad’s got his back.”
Now that’s a winning mindset.